Abstract thoughts of nothingnis cross your mind at marathon pases. Your golden heart fails to beet at all. Yet you live on, looking forward, backward and all around you at the same time. You hear screams and crying, civilations burning to the ground. You hold the books of all informartion. Yet you sit there sokeing it all in. Not preventing or helping the people move on, nothing.

Confidence

What can't you do in this world? In truth you can do a lot of things as long as you do not violate the laws of physics (just rewrite them)! I really have to thank somebody for opening my eyes. One of my favorite quotes is FDR's saying "there is nothing to fear but fear its self" to me this quote means so much. The only thing really standing in the way of me coming right out, is my fear of what they think of me. In truth why do I fear that, it's stupid. If I do my thing, if I am able to rock it, then who cares what I am? I've been trying to get rid of this fear for a while and now I think I can do it. Recently I've barely looked down when I'm walking. Still there are a few things that will take a while that are connected to this fear. Like that gut wrenching feeling that I get when I'm alone and going some place new. Or even that you can see my heart beating when I have to talk in front of a group of people. I am no longer going to be afraid of it. Let them think what they think, they already know me, so whats a little secret? Why would that little secret change what they think of me. I'm not going to just let chances slip by like before, never again. I will not just see a cute person walk by and not say hi. I'm going to be me. Nothing more nothing less. My past made me, and I am who I am because of it, and I'm proud of it. I'm never going back to change it. I feel that this is a big, tremendous goal, but I will do it.

irritation

My heart beat, thumps against my chest. A chest filled with organs, hormones, and atoms. What, what gives us the rite to live. What gives us the rite to affect anything? From the dirt under or feet to, well, our closest friends what gives us the rite to trample on both. How many times have I heard the saying the only way to win is not to play. Is been said about tick-tack-tow, love, but how about friends. Why even play if you are going to get hurt. The only thing keeping me is that I have nowhere else to go. Really I wish I could leave, forget all about you and your problems, the group’s problems, but I have nowhere to go. They cluster in groups with their exclusion, inside jokes about you even though you never know it. If they were not quite to talking about you in front of you then they will just exclude the weird sole and he just sits there. What can he do he has nowhere to go. It was not my fault about her despite him blaming it on himself, it was her and her exclusion it was her and her lack of time, not me. I tried to do something and all you did was push me away. So I pushed back and that’s what happened. Now I’m stuck with you. I’m stuck with somebody that rejects change. The world changes that’s the point. It is important to experience different things. The point is to learn, how to learn is through trial and error. You are going to mess up; you are going to be hurt. The result is that you learn you discover, oh that hurt. Is that the point of friends to be hurt by them so you can learn from them? The hurt of guilt that I might make you one step closer to committing by saying this, the guilt of pushing her into the wall. But really you will never do it you will never be able to push yourself that far. All you want is attention; all you want is somebody to completely devote himself to you. And he is done I am done with putting up with you. I’m sick of you asking the same thing over and over I’m sick of you not accepting change. You push I pushed back. Afraid of moving on onto the future. What does happen, what happens in college as we drift slowly apart into the miles between us? All the promises we have made will become like seeing each other maybe 3 times a year. We will experience new exciting things with other people. No longer will we be the same we will be different. You will see that the bell curve will shift and soon we will have nothing at all in common. Years later you will see me and say hey that person looks like someone you know, but you will be too shy to ask where you have seen me. Stuck with my crush that I will never seem o be able to get. How he talks to me on a leave I have never encountered before. Something deeper than any one has before yet really if you look at it still is not even half of what should be out. What are friends for? That is the question that has been on my mind for months. What are they for? For long lasting pain for moments of some joy. The some chance that you will eventually propagate with them? What I hope is that you can tell then anything, do anything with them. But that is not true there is little you can say little that you can do without crossing the delicate line that will end you up alone for the rest of your life. He barely recognizes me so oblivious by nature. What is it when we grow up a wife, children? What else, fights, alcoholism, drug abuse? What makes us who we are? What forms the people that we are today? Past experiences rite? Which ones led to me? Questioning everything just wanting to stand up and leave. For the past years if thought about my future about how I would assume an identity to just run away from this pit of an existence go do something. Just to get away. But that is not a way to live, I cannot live that way. I like people. I listen to the radio news before I go to sleep just to hear the noise that comes from their mouth. I like the warmth that comes from the body, gently worming. Then there is the only level headed one that never let me talk always hyper yet internally hurting. Pushing herself way to hard for no reason. So worried about her future double majoring in genetics and music. What the fuck do you do with a music degree? The only thing I can think of is to teach. I want to be an engineer, either it be civil architectural or chemical. All three of them require people skills. I once wanted to be a teacher a park ranger. Both along the lines of begin with people. But what about them makes me push away. Into isolationism into book where everything turns out good in the end where the boy always get the girl or vice versa. Why is it that every time we go into the dark why is it every time we enter the most hormonal unbalance season that I always come out alone. Where nobody gives a dam about what happened to me. Oh but you expect me to give a dam about your fight with your mom about your music major? Well my mom thinks that even with my a's that I will not even get into a UC. Oh well if your brother is bothering you. At least you get to have the option of leaving him forever; when my parents die he will be a burden on me and my sister. Your lives are not hard they are your lives and you make then to be what you do. Why the fuck do we have to be with somebody. Why the fuck do our hormones become out of whack, out of order so what we need to go and upon to create other ones that suffered just as much as us. That fear just as much as us. Yet it is there in MGM what do they have? Just as much emotion. What are friends for do they tell you what’s on their mind, defiantly not? No with their ginger snaps and there oh no I cannot tell you, well it pisses me off. I tell you everything that concerns me then why do you not do the same for me? Why do you not say anything? Secrets should not be kept among close friends and if I’m under an allusion then I think that we are. But I guess I’m wrong and that as a bunch of extra puzzle pieces that do not fit else where we don’t fit together either. Some are close fits some try to bend in places to fit. But it just never does .it really feels like we are splitting llcp and mgm nothing seems to be the same any more 3 are stuck on the crack in the middle pulled either way by 2 depressed people. I want out. I want to be done with this. I can no longer think clearly I never seem to be able to do my work on time any more. What happened I use to a little boy with tye died shirts and over all to school. I could charm the day lights out of my teachers. But now I cover up with a plane gray sweet shier because I know it does not offend anybody, it gathers no negative remarks. I hide I’m afraid. Mostly of what the people think of me. Jay may scared me the mast secretly especially in freshman English so happy so friendly and powerful. I’ve become cynical, but really I tried to be nice but I kept my distance. She is just so nice and I wonder how is she not hurt how does she seem to g unaffected by teenage years. Security seems to be a false hope only a few constants bring it though. To get things out of my mind the ticking of the clock in the middle of the night. It pushes back things time move forward, yet it takes time say till 4 am. The weight of my watch on my rist. Never take it off except for showering and swimming. Time moves forward it helps me remember. Not remembering the past but threat the past has past yet traces still remain. There is not harsher critic then yourself right? Well then I hope the others are much farther behind. I find myself disgusting, fat and stupid. Discussing in the way my eyes are neither green nor brown. Disgusting in the way how my vanes are a sickly blue. Disgusting in the way that I have to take pills so I can stay alive fat in the way that there is a lot of fat roles. Stupid in the way of everything. Form not being able to spell. To even looking at my classes. Regular everything except as physics. Where everyone else is saying omg my AP is so easy taking 4 or omg that dbq was so hard. Well I’m sitting there in a joke of a class where the bunch of stoners make grunting sounds as the English teacher tries to explain appositives to them. In truth I feel left out n alto of things. But in truth even if they try to include me I push them away because I have no idea what they are talking about. There seems to be no challenge any more. No joy either with that challenge. Why is it that millions of cells are given one consensuses to control them all. That one brain to push them around. I guess it is human nature to fear, but what is good about humanity?

song

This is kinda how I feel at the molment, as well it has a nice tune.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRgQns-TJGM



You Don't Know Me Lyrics
By Ben Folds
I wanna ask you
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me anything)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

Hats

Jesters hat: A fool, a complete idiot that need bells so that people can flee form him when he comes near. His horrid uncool-niss and his failure at jokes.

Shakespeare hat: Intelligence, inspiration creativity, floppiness, old, never makes sense, a fake, imitator.

Sailer’s hat: Polite, servitude, belonging, importance, protectiveness, nave, unknowing, questionable, tardy.

Peter pan’s hat: Gullible, imaginative, strong, loyal, forever youthful, leader, protector, immature, unknowing, flaky.

4-H hat: Strong, leader, unconformable, dependable, loyal, knowledgeable, busy, indecisive, poor public speaker.

The future

I have a good idea what I am going to do in my life yet some aspects are still fuzzy. I am going to become a chemical engineer I am going to go and live in Germany.I am going to go and help the 4-h club there But what I am going to do with he rest of my time, my life well I just don’t know. I really want to go and help out people even if I am alone I want to go to a little village and make them self sustainable and better educated. I will help the kids get through school but I just don’t know what do to or how to do it. The other thing is I really don’t know if I want to leave my family or not. Finally well all this I just don’t think I’ll have time for a wife, yet I really want children as well as somebody to be close to and to come home to every day, but really I don’t know if I’ll have the time and I doubt that I’ll meat anybody special in Germany and well if I get married right after college in the us I doubt she will want to go to Germany with me… and well I’ve seen way too many examples of the nice guys never finding any body. And well I really don’t think any body is interested.

articulation

Alot of the time I want to write, but the problem is I don't know what to say. Usually I have many ideas but usually I just don't know how to say them. Some tings are not good to say before an audience. Others should be spoken but are never.